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When my daughter was a newborn, I could barely step outside our New York City apartment without someone stopping me and asking the same question: “Who’s taking care of the baby?”
I’d smile and give my go-to answer — “Oh, I left her with a clean diaper and a bottle of milk. She should be good for a few hours.” It was half a joke, half a subtle challenge to the assumption baked into the question. The reality? She was with her dad. The man she shares half her DNA with. The parent who loves her just as fiercely as I do. But for some reason, people rarely assumed that.
It was as if, in the minds of strangers (and sometimes even people we knew), fathers were mythical creatures when it came to childcare — nice to hear about, rare to spot in the wild, and definitely not to be trusted alone with a baby.
The Default Parent Problem
These small, seemingly harmless interactions reveal something bigger: in our society, mothers are almost universally assumed to be the “default parent.” The one on call 24/7. The one whose number the school dials first when a child gets sick. The one who gets emails from the pediatrician even if both parents are copied. The one strangers turn to in a crisis, regardless of whether dad is standing right there.
It’s in the well-meaning but outdated phrase: “Is Dad babysitting?” as though fathers are hired help stepping in for a shift. Spoiler alert: if you created the child, it’s not called babysitting. No one is leaving you pizza money and sending you home afterward.
On the surface, it’s easy to laugh at these moments. But beneath the humor lies an imbalance that impacts millions of families: mothers — whether they work outside the home or not — shoulder the majority of childcare responsibilities. Even in households where both parents work full-time, studies show moms spend more hours on childcare and are more likely to adjust or pause their careers for family needs.
Moms Are Not “Better” Parents — We’re Just Assumed to Be
One of the most damaging narratives we’ve normalized is the idea that mothers have some innate, magical parenting ability that fathers lack. We don’t.
If I’m being honest, I struggled more with the transition to parenthood than my husband did. Neither of us came into this knowing how to swaddle, soothe colic, or function on two hours of sleep. We learned through trial, error, and the glamorous rite of passage that is getting peed and pooped on simultaneously.
Yet, workplace policies, cultural norms, and even physical spaces still reinforce outdated gender roles. Paternity leave in the U.S. is limited, subtly suggesting that dads are secondary parents. Flexible work arrangements are marketed almost exclusively to moms. Even public facilities play a role — changing tables in men’s restrooms are still inconsistent, as if dads taking their kids out alone is some fringe activity. It’s 2025. Men can handle a diaper blowout without an audience or applause.
How I’ve Contributed to the Problem Without Realizing It
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: sometimes moms unintentionally keep the “default parent” cycle going. I’ve caught myself “gatekeeping” parenting tasks, like redoing my husband’s outfit choice for our toddler because it didn’t match my idea of “presentable.”
I’ve had to remind myself — mismatched socks and slightly crooked ponytails are not a crisis. My way isn’t the only right way to parent. And if I’m constantly stepping in, I’m not giving my husband the space to parent in his own style. Children don’t just survive with a different approach — they thrive.
Equal Parenting Requires Action — at Home and Beyond
Breaking the default parent pattern isn’t something that happens by accident. It requires deliberate, ongoing action. In our home, that means having honest conversations about how society places uneven expectations on mothers and fathers, and making sure we’re actively pushing back.
For dads, that means stepping in without waiting to be asked — knowing the pediatrician’s number, remembering that Wednesday is show-and-tell day, noticing when shoes no longer fit. It’s about being equally plugged into the mental load of parenting.
For moms, it means letting go of perfectionism and control as a way of proving our worth. It means trusting our partners to make decisions and handle parenting challenges their own way.
On a broader level, it means changing policies and perceptions: robust, paid parental leave for all parents, flexible work policies that don’t assume only mothers need them, and marketing that reflects fathers as competent, invested caregivers — not clueless stand-ins who need “mom-approved” instructions.
The Future I Want for My Daughter
I know the “default parent” dynamic won’t disappear overnight. But I’m committed to raising my daughter in a household where both parents are equally capable and equally responsible — and where that fact is obvious to anyone looking in.
My hope is that by the time she becomes a parent, if she chooses to, no one will ask her “Who’s watching your baby?” when she’s not around. They’ll already know the answer: her child has two loving, competent parents — and either one of them can be in charge without question.
