When Mila found out she was pregnant, she thought she and her partner were stepping into parenthood as a team. Instead, she realized she was already functioning like a single mother. Her boyfriend dodged basic tasks like grocery shopping, often claiming he didn’t know how to do them even when she provided a clear, itemized list. He leaned on her to shoulder the cooking and cleaning while she endured debilitating pregnancy symptoms.
“You know everything about your favorite car,” she recalled thinking. “But when it comes to groceries, preparing for our child, or remembering details about our life together, suddenly you act incompetent.”
Already overwhelmed and unsupported, Mila ended the relationship during her pregnancy. A year later, she stumbled upon the term weaponized incompetence and everything clicked.
What Is Weaponized Incompetence?
The phrase refers to pretending to be incapable of performing everyday tasks so that someone else usually a partner takes over. It isn’t about genuine lack of knowledge but rather about avoiding responsibility.
Coined in the mid-2000s (with roots in feminist studies like Arlie Hochschild’s The Second Shift), the term has resurfaced in viral waves on TikTok and Reddit. Women recount partners who can master complex office projects, fantasy football drafts, or video games, yet suddenly “don’t know” how to wash dishes, pack a diaper bag, or cook a meal.
As psychotherapist Matt Lundquist explains, “It’s the presentation of ‘I don’t know how’ when in reality, you’re fully capable of learning and doing it.”
Why It’s Fueling Divorce
Despite progress in gender equality, household labor still falls disproportionately on women. A 2023 Pew Research Center report confirmed the imbalance, showing women continue to shoulder the bulk of domestic tasks, even when they also contribute equal or greater income to the household.
Divorce attorney Dennis Vetrano notes this dynamic has become one of the leading reasons women initiate divorce. “It’s not about falling out of love,” he says. “It’s exhaustion. Women are tired of managing another adult on top of their own responsibilities.”
Marketing executive Colette Nataf echoed this sentiment, saying she divorced her husband after years of “managing another adult.” The final straw wasn’t betrayal or infidelit it was the dirty dishes piled beside an empty dishwasher and endless excuses of “it’s too hard to remember everything.”
The Pandemic Effect
COVID-19 lockdowns intensified the issue. Couples confined at home had to renegotiate domestic labor, but instead of progress, many households regressed.
“The default party responsible for domestic labor became women again,” Lundquist said. “Even now, with return-to-office mandates, the psychological ripple effects remain. It feels like we’ve gone backward.”
This regression has left women burned out. They are excelling professionally outpacing men in higher education, homeownership, and longevity yet many are still expected to run households alone. For some, the imbalance feels like raising “an additional child.”
A Generational and Cultural Divide
The rise of “trad wife” influencers and the manosphere has complicated things further. These movements promote conservative ideals where women are homemakers and men are providers, romanticizing outdated gender roles. Polls reveal that Gen Z men are increasingly receptive to these ideals, while women of the same age are pushing in the opposite direction, supporting female leadership and rejecting traditional roles.
This widening ideological gap feeds tension in relationships, especially when expectations for domestic equality clash.
Social Media Shines a Harsh Light
On TikTok, the hashtag #weaponizedincompetence has amassed millions of views. Viral videos often show women frustrated with partners who intentionally do chores poorly like sloppily painting a room only to avoid being asked again.
Comment sections usually deliver swift judgment: “Dump him,” “That’s not a boyfriend, that’s a dependent,” and “This is weaponized incompetence omg.” Many creators share break-up follow-ups, with audiences cheering their decision.
What Couples Can Do
Therapists warn against immediately accusing a partner of “weaponized incompetence,” since the term implies malicious intent and can shut down productive conversations. Instead, experts recommend focusing on the impact of the behavior rather than the perceived intent.
“If I can help partners see the totality and gravity of the impact, it often shifts their position,” couples therapist Bukky Kolawole explains.
Constructive Steps for Couples:
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Address the imbalance directly. Point out the practical impact rather than using accusatory language.
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Allow for a learning curve. Some partners may genuinely lack experience with certain tasks.
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Redistribute tasks fairly. Assign responsibilities according to strengths but ensure both partners share the load.
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Hold accountability. If no improvement occurs despite repeated conversations, it’s valid to reconsider the relationship.
As Lundquist notes, “Increasingly, women’s expectations are matched by their earning capacity. Men are going to have to figure out how to catch up.”
