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| I wasn't allowed to bring a date to my friend's wedding because I wasn't in a "serious" relationship — but I think all adults should get a plus-one, no questions asked. szakalikus/Getty Images |
When one of my best friends from college asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, I was thrilled.
I was in my early 30s and still finding my footing after a painful adult breakup. Two years earlier, I had ended a six-year relationship, moved out of the home we shared, and entered the wild world of dating apps. After a stretch of awkward coffee dates and short-lived flings, I had finally started seeing someone I genuinely liked a fellow journalist who was thoughtful, funny, and more than suitable wedding guest material.
We weren’t “serious” yet, but it was a promising start. So I asked my friend and her fiancé if I could bring him to the wedding.
They said no.
Their rule was firm: only couples who lived together or were “headed for marriage” were allowed plus-ones. They didn’t want “random people” appearing in their wedding photos.
That rationale stung. If she trusted me to stand beside her at the altar, why not trust me to bring a respectful guest? Still, I tried to let it go. Weddings are expensive, and everyone has to draw the line somewhere.
But as the date approached, I asked again about other guests maybe I wouldn’t be the only single person there. That’s when she told me I’d be the only solo adult at the wedding, aside from the ring bearer… who was still in diapers.
It felt like a slap. I was the only one denied a plus-one not because I couldn’t find a date, but because my budding relationship didn’t meet an arbitrary standard.
Weddings Are Already a Gamble Even Without Plus-Ones
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| I don't blame my friend for her plus-one rule, but I don't agree with it. kazakova0684/Getty Images |
One more guest likely wouldn’t have made a noticeable difference at my friend’s large wedding. But for me, having a companion there would have changed everything.
Being the lone single adult at a wedding full of couples while enduring curious questions about your ex or your reproductive plans can be alienating, even humiliating. Though I was honored to be included, I spent the reception tugging at my scratchy bridesmaid dress, sipping wine alone, and trying to wedge myself into conversations that weren’t meant for one.
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| It was tough to be the only adult at the wedding without a date. madisonwi/Getty Images |
I understand couples want to manage their guest list and expenses carefully, and I know plus-ones can add up. But limiting guests to “serious” partners isn’t a foolproof way to prevent future regrets. Several of the “committed” couples invited to that wedding have since broken up. Some aren’t even on speaking terms with the bride and groom anymore.
And honestly? In my experience, it’s rarely the unknown plus-ones who create problems. It’s the family members the mother of the groom who gives a painfully personal speech, the uncle who hijacks the mic for a whiskey-fueled Elvis cover. I’d take a well-behaved “random” guest over that any day.
Plus-Ones Are About Inclusion, Not Just Etiquette
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| I feel that people in long-term relationships sometimes forget what being single feels like. madisonwi/Getty Images |
That experience solidified a belief I still hold today: if you’re offering plus-ones at your wedding, every adult should get one. No exceptions. No vetting for relationship status.
Yes, it adds to the cost. But it’s a small price to pay to make people feel welcome especially if they’re traveling, buying a gift, or participating in your big day. If the budget can’t handle that, maybe it’s time to trim the overall guest list.
Since that wedding, I’ve come out as queer, and my perspective has only sharpened. Queer relationships often don’t follow the traditional timeline of milestones. To outsiders, a partner might look like a friend, or a “casual” date might be someone’s closest companion. Judging what’s “serious” enough to deserve a seat assumes far too much.
Fast forward to two years ago: another close friend got married and, despite me being single, extended a plus-one no questions asked. “Bring anyone,” she told me. “A date, a friend, whoever makes you feel comfortable.”
I went alone. And I had a fantastic time.
But the fact that she gave me the choice? That made all the difference.
