 |
| The author had three kids by the time she was 21. Courtesy of TerDawn DeBoe |
When I tell people I’m an empty nester at 40, they often stare at me as if I’ve just presented them with an unsolvable math equation. To most of my peers, it seems impossible. How could I already be finished with the day-to-day work of parenting when they’re still knee-deep in diaper changes, school drop-offs, and PTA sign-ups?
The answer is simple: I had all three of my children by the time I was 21.
I can almost see the assumptions flicker across people’s faces. Teen pregnancy? Unplanned parenthood? A rough start in life? They’re not wrong. Becoming a mother so young was as challenging as you might imagine. I was still figuring out who I was while also raising three tiny humans who needed me to be strong, wise, and endlessly patient — qualities I was still learning to grow into myself.
And yet, here’s what no one really tells you about being a young parent: if you can survive the chaos of those early years, you can land in an incredible sweet spot later in life — one that feels like the best of both worlds.
Watching Friends Navigate Stages I’ve Already Lived
These days, my social media feeds are full of friends celebrating their children’s first days of kindergarten, venting about sleepless nights with newborns, or swapping stories about toddler tantrums and picky eaters. Others are just entering the world of middle school drama or are nervously preparing for the teenage years.
Meanwhile, my life looks very different. I’m booking weekend getaways, sleeping through the night, and spending evenings in restaurants that don’t offer a kids’ menu. My conversations with my children aren’t about snack times or bedtime routines — they’re about college applications, career opportunities, and navigating the adult world.
When my friends are filling out preschool enrollment forms or worrying about teenage rebellion, I’m cheering my kids on as they launch businesses, apply for jobs, and make big life decisions. I’ve already been through the teething, the driving lessons, the high school graduations — and now, I get to enjoy the phase where they’re fully grown and building lives of their own.
The Hard Years Were Worth It
I want to be clear: I’m not gloating. Those early years were brutal. I spent my early twenties feeling isolated from my peers, many of whom were spending their weekends at parties or traveling, while I was home changing diapers and juggling sleepless nights. There were moments when I wondered if I had made a mistake, if I’d lost too much of myself too soon.
But now, with the benefit of hindsight, I see the bigger picture. The trade-offs, the missed nights out, and the early responsibilities have led me to this point — a point where I’m still young, healthy, and energetic, yet free to explore new possibilities without the constant demands of small children.
While some of my friends are exhausted from playground chases or consumed with high school drama, I have the mental and physical space to try new hobbies, travel on a whim, or even explore new career opportunities. I can say yes to spontaneous plans without calculating babysitter availability. I can stay out late without negotiating curfews or rushing home for bedtime.
A New Kind of Relationship With My Children
One of the most unexpected gifts of this stage is the relationship I now have with my kids. My youngest is 20, and our connection has shifted from parent-child to something closer to friendship. We swap memes, share dinners, and have real conversations about work, love, and life. Sometimes they even ask for my advice — and, occasionally, they take it.
There’s something deeply fulfilling about being able to guide your adult children while also having the freedom to explore your own next chapter. We’re all growing and evolving, just in different ways.
And yes, at 40, I could still choose to have another child if I wanted to. I’m healthy, energetic, and financially stable in ways I never was in my early twenties. The difference now is that it would be a conscious choice, not an unplanned detour — and that’s an empowering place to be.
Lessons From the Journey
Being a young parent has given me a unique perspective that many of my friends appreciate. I can empathize with their toddler struggles because I remember them vividly, but I can also offer long-term reassurance because I’ve seen the other side. I know that the sleepless nights end, that the tantrums pass, and that the teenage years — while intense — are just one chapter of a much longer story.
The truth is, there’s no universally “right” time to have children. Each path comes with its own challenges and rewards. If you’re a young parent reading this and feeling overwhelmed, I want you to know that the hard work you’re doing now has a payoff. It may not feel like it in the middle of the chaos, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel — and it’s brighter than you can imagine.
So while many of my peers are just beginning their parenting journeys, I’m stepping into a new season of life with a mix of wisdom, freedom, and energy that I could never have imagined at 21. And honestly? It feels like the sweetest spot to be in.
