When my husband and I graduated law school in DC, neither of us expected the city to become home in the way home is often meant. We thought our futures would anchor us somewhere family, somewhere childhood warmth, somewhere safety. But our student debt, the appeal of the legal market, and the belief that “we can always visit” tipped our decision toward DC.
Over the years, DC delivered: strong jobs, meaningful work, prestige, networks. My husband’s career climbed; I practiced law, later shifted to more flexible work when our daughter’s medical needs demanded it. We bought a house, made friends, established routines. But now, decades later, with aging parents, children who wish their grandparents lived nearer, and unspoken longing for the support only family proximity can provide, I often think: what if we had chosen differently?
This article explores what we gained in DC, what we lost by being far from those roots, and what I’ve learned about what really matters when choosing where to build a life.
Part 1: Why We Chose Washington, DC
Career Promise & Paying Off Debt
After school, both of us had large student loans hanging over us. The legal field in DC offered higher salaries, public sector work, government agencies, think tanks, NGOs jobs that not only matched our skills but promised financial stability. With debt looming, extra pay meant faster payoff. DC seemed not optional, but necessary.
Network, Prestige, Professional Growth
DC is unique. It’s a hub of national power, nonprofit influence, policy advocacy, legislative work. To be near courts, agencies, firms, not to mention the opportunity to meet mentors, to take cases or work that resonated beyond local jurisdictions it felt like planting seeds into fertile ground. We saw DC as scaling our impact.
Amenities, Culture, and Urban Draw
Museums, cultural diversity, international exposure, travel connections. DC offered cosmopolitan life, public transit, restaurants, political conversation, theater, conferences, and access to institutions we valued. Even though neither of us had grown up in the city, the energy and resources felt worth the cost.
Part 2: What We Built & What We Built Away From
The Life We Made Here
Professionally, we did well. My husband’s career advanced. I found ways to balance family and work eventually leaving full-time practice when our daughter needed care, but doing freelance work and advocacy from home. Our children had schools, friends, extracurriculars. We owned a home. We built a friend network. We invested in a Daughter’s medical care that was high quality.
I love many things about DC: access to great services, proximity (relatively) to many parts of the country and world, political activism, choice. Museums free to enter, parks full of history, conversations about policy, race, art, justice happen in daily life. DC shaped us in ways we didn’t anticipate.
The Gaps, In What We Gave Up
But some things got harder. My parents, aging, had declining health. My father’s cancer; my mother’s own challenges these life-events feel smaller if someone is nearby. But many times, I couldn’t drop everything and drive home. Visits required more planning, travel, expense. Grandparents’ visits to the kids have always been limited. Birthdays, holidays, illness there is always distance.
Raising four kids, especially one with medical special needs, means sometimes being exhausted, needing help with childcare or just emotional support. Being far from extended family means more reliance on paid services, more juggling, more guilt.
Also, roots feel shallow. The places where you once knew everyone, where your childhood lived, inform identity. Children grow curious about where grandparents live, cousins visit, memories made. Saying goodbye to being able to slip into your hometown means missing stories, shared history, small support.
Part 3: Turning Points When Regret Hit Hardest
There are moments where the cost became especially clear.
The First Child’s Diagnosis
When our daughter was born with medical needs, we realized how hard it is to do this alone. The logistics, the worry, the care meant we craved nearby hands: grandparents who could babysit, help with transport, be part of everyday life. But in DC, distances and flights made help scarce.
Health Crises & Aging Parents
My father’s cancer diagnosis his hospitalization, my mother’s caregiving demands those moments sharpened what being near family would have meant. I felt the regret keenly: I couldn’t easily fly back for dinners, for bedside presence. When he died, I thought about all the small moments I missed.
Children Growing Up Without Extended Family
Watching my kids navigate adolescence without weekends with grandparents, without frequent cousins’ sleepovers, without that layer of family history and closeness it generates longing. They know grandparents, but the frequency, the familiarity, the stories, the intergenerational bond is thinner than it might have been.
When we discuss moving, the cost of uprooting is high: careers, friends, school for kids. So we stay. But the “what if” shadow lingers.
Part 4: Still Staying — Why Moving Feels Hard
Even with regret, moving somewhere closer to family is easier said than done. There are tradeoffs, friction, real costs.
Economic & Job Costs
In Philadelphia or St. Paul, say, my husband might have had fewer high-pay legal or policy opportunities. The specialized network, rare government agency roles, high‐impact nonprofits might be fewer. It could mean slower salary growth, perhaps less prestige or influence. That has ripple effects: savings, retirement, stability.
Social & Community Roots in DC
Over two decades, you build a life. Home, friends, church, social groups, networks. Letting that go is expensive emotionally. Kids perhaps have deep school friendships. Spouses have built their careers; clients know them. Moving means building new trust, adjusting to new culture or slower pace, perhaps fewer resources in specialized areas.
Lifestyle & Access
DC has many conveniences, services, particularly for children with special needs. Medical specialists, therapy options, schools, inclusive programs some towns simply don’t match in quality or breadth. So staying provides access.
Also, cultural amenities: museums, events, international travel, policy conferences these enrich life. They are not just perks; they shape identity, beliefs, aspirations.
Uprooting & Costs
Moving isn’t just job changes. Housing, selling, buying, school transitions, adapting to lower or different salaries. Emotional cost of leaving neighbors, friendships. The inertia of success pulls you in: you succeed where you are, so leaving means risk.
Part 5: What I Would Do Differently If Deciding Again
If I could rewind, knowing what I know now, what different parameters I would weigh more heavily, what decisions I might make differently.
Putting Family Proximity Higher
Instead of giving almost exclusive weight to job market, I’d frame the decision more evenly: job + family + long-term care. I’d ask: how much will I need family when kids are young? When parents age? What support network would I have for emergencies, non-urgent daily help?
Testing Other Places Before Deciding Permanently
Consider spending trial years in a place closer to family working remote, commuting, or splitting time. See how daily life feels: can we get needed medical care? Are there suitable schools? Can my husband’s career advance? What compromises feel bearable?
Prioritizing Flexible Career Options
I might have looked for roles more portable or remote from the start, or developed freelance/remote capabilities earlier so location would be less constraining. Also factoring job satisfaction vs prestige, valuing balance, family time, not just career growth.
Establishing Intentional Support Systems
If staying in DC, I would have built as many familial community ties as possible: perhaps arranging for grandparents to visit more often, co-parenting with extended family, planning for elder care, child-care backup. Proactive design instead of hoping it falls into place.
Part 6: Coping with Regret & Making Peace
Even if you stay in DC (or in any place far from family), there are ways to manage regret, to build resilience, and to increase closeness despite distance.
Frequent Visits & Rituals
Regular trips back, extended family vacations, holidays spent together even if far away help maintain connection. Having rituals (Zoom dinners, shared storytelling, family projects) gives structure and meaning to distance.
Embracing Quality Over Quantity
Even if visits aren’t frequent, making them count: being present, making memories, being intentional. Photos, stories, traditions matter. Grandparents’ wisdom record them, share with kids. It’s not only physical proximity but emotional closeness.
Prioritize Self-Compassion
Recognizing that decisions were made under different assumptions: debt, career, unknown future. Regret is natural, but harsh self-judgment adds pain. Accept that trade-offs are part of adult life.
Adjusting Expectations & Finding Balance
The idea of “where we live” is not static. Life stages shift. Work flexibility, parent health, kids’ schooling, spouse’s job – these change. Be open to re-evaluating, possibly relocating when circumstances allow. It might mean compromise, but balancing with family proximity might feel more enriching.
Part 7: What Others Can Learn From Our Story
Our story isn’t unique. Many people choose jobs over family proximity; many face similar regrets. There are lessons others might take if they are at their own crossroads.
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Make a values inventory early: What do you value most? Family, work, stability, proximity, children, aging parents? Data, lists, conversations help clarify what trade-offs you accept.
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Shadow what matters: Try to experience living in the place you think you might want: drive the commute, meet people, test schools, try remote options, do shorter stays. Many decisions seem theoretical until lived.
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Factor in invisible costs: Emotional labor, family support, caregiving – these are often undervalued in job-first cost-benefit analyses, but they matter deeply in life satisfaction.
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Put contingency plans in place: Even if you stay somewhere far from family, have plans for emergencies, elderly care, childcare, so those are not left scrambling.
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Define what staying “successful” means: If success is only about professional prestige or income, one piece of life gets magnified; but if success includes connection, rest, health, support it may change where you live.
Building a Life Where You Belong
Washington, DC has shaped our professional identities. We earned opportunity, growth, networks, stability. But as life changes kids grow, parents age the things we thought once were luxuries (being near family; having them in our daily routines; feeling held by intergenerational fabric) show themselves to be profoundly important.
If I were making the decision today, I would choose proximity over prestige knowing now the cost of distance is more than flights and missed birthdays. I would weigh roots as heavily as resumes. Because life isn’t just where work thrives but where love, care, belonging, and support can grow with you.
If you are at a point of deciding where to live, I hope our story helps you step back long enough to see the trade-offs not just job market, but heart market too. Sometimes, being closer to home is being closer to what really sustains you.
